Greedy and Evil or Pleasurable and Loving?

For a long, long, long time, money and me did not have a very good relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have always been taken care of.

Since I have been out on my own, I can sum up my relationship with money as a cautious one. I have always been provided for: nice home, great neighborhood, great schools and a once a year trip to FL staying with my folks. Even so, the energy around money was that there was never quite enough. I had to be careful with each dollar I spent.

Here I was “Living the Mini-Van Dream” and this did make me happy!

Still, going out to eat once a month felt like a splurge, and if we brought the kids, they had to drink water. They couldn’t have chocolate milk or lemonade unless it was included in the kids’ meal.

A shopping spree at Target or buying a latte that I could make at home would throw me into a guilt-spin.

As I write this, I can feel this lack mindset behind everything I mentioned and it feels so confining.

But let me tell ya, back then I was proud of my thriftiness. On some level, I equated squeezing the most out of every dime with being a better spouse and parent. It was like I was trying to prove that I wasn’t taking money for granted.

And don’t get me started on trying to make money!

Making money felt so difficult, so laborious and so mysterious to make.

What made money the enemy even more so in my eyes was that I followed my heart when it came to my work.

You’ve heard the saying “follow your bliss and the money will follow,” haven’t you?

Well, that was NOT my experience.

I was grateful for the abundance I did have: A loving husband and kids, a nice home in a nice area, friendships and extended family, health & nature, etc., but the truth was…

I was kinda pissed off at money!

I didn’t admit this frustration often.

Yet, my true feelings would slip out when I would be triggered by anyone exhibiting wealth with ease. It could be from something that seemed like such a far reach (an expensive car) to small things (a mom being able to buy all her kids a drink at Starbucks without batting an eye).

In order to make myself feel better for the lack I was experiencing, my inner dialogue went something like this:

They might have money but I bet they aren’t happy! I’m so lucky that I don’t need much in life to make me happy. I appreciate what is around me. I have more than most people have. I don’t need more. Plus, I’m a spiritual person.
I don’t need material things!

Now, it is any wonder that money would not – no, could not come to me when I had those beliefs within me?!?

I was actually being given what I was stating: I don’t need much. I don’t need more. So that is exactly what I received – nothing more.

While I had my vision board, which included financial abundance, my emotions of guilt and greed around money were like a flashing signal to the universe saying “Money is NOT welcome here!”

The deal was, as long as I ignored money, I remained a happy person.

But ignoring the expansiveness of life is not fully living.

Thankfully, our loving God and universe is not going to have that, which is exactly why money was utilized to awaken me to greater expansion.

The gratitude I have for the loving energy of money is astounding. What I invite you to understand is that this challenge I had that led my family to being over six figures in debt was never about money.

This was a journey in which the lack I felt about myself was being mirrored back to me. All the Divine wanted for me was to reclaim more of my truth.

As I received more and more of my truth, I learned to value myself more intrinsically. As I valued myself more intrinsically, I was able to step into opportunities. Many of those opportunities involved me spending money on myself, even when I didn’t have it, precisely so I could practice valuing myself enough to say yes to myself.

That wasn’t how I wanted it to work. I wanted the money to come first. Money would then give me permission to say yes to myself.

That, of course, isn’t how God wants it for us. Money isn’t supposed to run you or I.

You & I must claim our worth for ourselves:

a) That is what loving ourselves is about.

b) When we truly love ourselves, we are truly, truly free.

The beauty is, as you receive more, the more you have to give. For me, this meant I had more to give in how I serve others, which includes my husband, children, IIEE students, personal clients, friends and charities.

As I freed myself from the chains of lack, shame, and contraction, what I actually did was allow the loving energy of money to work through me. As this loving energy works through me, I have the freedom to set up my life to have a greater impact.

You have a choice to change your money story as well. If you feel limited financially, there is an opportunity to look for the limits in your relationship with money.

The more you free yourself from the limitations of money shame, the more you’ll free yourself to receive an additional source of loving, joyful energy.