#1 Don’t Define Yourself Based on the External
The sure path to feeling unlovable is to make something outside of yourself mean something about you. Your lovability is not based on anything outside of yourself. You are defining yourself based on the external if their are conditions to your lovability or worthiness. Below are some common “conditions” used against yourself to prove your unworthiness or unlovability:
Appearance: I’m not in a relationship because of how I look.
Relationship: Since I am not in a relationship, there is clearly something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
Loving Connection: My spouse doesn’t show me love, even though I’ve asked. I’m not worthy of his/her love. My partner is upset/had an affair, it’s my fault. My children/parents, spouse don’t talk to me. I’m unlovable.
Lack of Success: If I was really talented, I would be more successful. I’m not good enough for success.
Lack of Money: If I was good at my job, I would have more have more money. I must not be that good at what I do.
This isn’t meant for me: If this was meant for me, it would happen more easily…, I would have the money to pay for it…., others would believe in me…..
Lack of External Support: Others are understood and cared for but people misunderstand/don’t approve of me. There is something wrong with me.
When you are using the external to manipulate yourself into believing you are somehow less than or not deserving, you aren’t be loving or kind to yourself. In fact, you are using the external to prove your worth. The problem is you cannot receive from others what you first don’t give to yourself. Therefore, in order to love yourself better, you must decide you are worthy and lovable DESPITE what the external may be showing you. When you learn this greater love for yourself you won’t interpret the external against yourself.
#2 Honor Your Light AND Your Shadow
Can you forgive yourself for your mistakes?
Can you bring understanding to the parts of yourself that make you cringe?
Do you judge yourself when you experience anger, sadness, jealousy, guilt, anxiety, or any other non-positive emotion?
Are you holding onto a grudge?
Sense the freedom you will feel when you learn how to love all aspects of yourself.
#3 Acknowledge Yourself
Go beyond a gratitude journal and start an acknowledgment journal.
Give yourself credit for everything you’ve gone through in life to be the person you are today.
Acknowledge the choices you’ve made this day that were about expansiveness and love.
Honor your goodness.
See your unique gifts and talents.
Laugh with your quirky, less than perfect self.